Eid – I am sorry that what use to excite me about you has become diluted with each passing year. The very spirit of celebration which used to blossom a few nights before Eid in the creases of my new clothes, glitter of my bangles, in the fragrance of food being cooked, in the freshness of new curtains, in the greetings of friends and neighbors.. has been abandoned decades ago. Now I simply drag my physical self to the occasion for the sake of my kids. Because I know someday they will remember these days as the best days of their lives.. and may write about it.

Now when I look back.. each morning of Eid during my childhood, I recall Amma was in the kitchen.. frantically working to get the delicacies out to the table.. so others can enjoy. I am sure she was feeling just the way I do now.. One time I told her I can’t fall asleep due to happiness. She smiled softly and said may you always feel the same. I have replayed those words in my mind numerous times and recently said it to my daughter.. somewhere these words validates my own short lived experience that I too have tasted how Eid should feel and also silent sincere prayer that my daughter’s life be different and her zeal remains forever intact.

Away from childhood home and loaded with expectations to perform the best performance with the best festivities because it is a happy occasion.. this may be story of most woman who are married, irrespective of their beauty, intellect, age, income or past.. and I pray that God accept this as a sacrifice too.

Festivals and their charm are a thing of childhood only… most importantly it is a labor of love from us mothers.. who don’t always show that it is often these days that can be the heaviest yet we go on pretending like it never is.

Do you notice how fragile and laced with desperation must be the state when one runs towards you in pitch darkness.. not knowing the path but running at a blazing speed and hoping to be caught by your embrace. When I run towards you I fully recognize my utter incompetence and I can sense the weight of the hopes I carry..

I read your verses to find a meanings but in reality the act of reading your words itself makes me emotional and grateful. You asked me to reflect but how… How difficult it is to reflect on something so deep and vast when my intellect is limited.. and yours limitless. Each verse so heavy.. I leaves me shaking in fear that I may not understand the wisdom behind it and as I continue I get overwhelmed by constantly reading more profound words.. all woven together so perfectly. How do I retain the knowledge when your channel of wisdom never stops flowing..

But I would rather live each moment of my existence being reduced to indivisible fragments, overwhelmed, helplessly aware of my limited comprehension, floating in awe of your divinity.

Something can be said about a realization that there comes a time when your own shadow can’t keep up with you. As you zip past it, you can glance back and it is still there..

A million thoughts racing at astronomical speed, some from past while others hinging on future fighting to get a space where they will ultimately reach an equilibrium.. but silently you remain aware that your own shadow is left way behind, imprinted like the immortal marks on the walls in Hiroshima while the conscious mind has eloped wtih entropy.

But there is something beyond the mind and physical self, that becomes the closest confidante.. an observer full of wisdom. A friend that simply accompanies without any strings attached. Is it the soul or God himself? The one who knows the shortcuts yet pushes you to take a long stroll.. the one who knows that everything is temporary yet compels you to make memories and plans with unnecessary efforts, the one that knows how the story ends but patiently let’s you write your own pages.

In this magically serene yet chaotic world, it is starting to profoundly sink in that we are indeed made of stars dust.. A periodic table jumbled up in a form that longs complete liberation.. a law of nature.. waiting every second of every minute to disappear to become fully present everywhere.

How soothing a thought to leave the stage and become part of the audiance. For once to clap and cheer the impeccably powerful presence of void and fulfilments all at once.

Visualize a river of molten gold or of pitch darkness.. despite the velocity, from a distance it is mostly difficult to notice any movement. A spread so uniform, so flawless visually that even large turbulences go unnoticed. It happens but camouflaged in its aura.

It is not meant to be apparent but if you get in its way, you can certainly notice its power, direction and also the sweeping currents.

There is wisdom behind it only known to the source and the seekers.

Write… so you can read,

Read to revisit all those places you long for.

Write… so you can smell,

Smell the fragrance softened in sleeping chambers of your memories.

Write… so you can see,

See how you evolved against the tune of life.

Write… so you can hear,

Hear the conversations that moved your mountains.

Write… so you can preserve,

Preserve the lightest vibration of your brightest thoughts.

Write… so you can strive,

Strive to go on till the very end.

Write… so you may forget,

Forget the distractions that festers today.

I rode through it,

With a hope that someday,

I will tell you all about it.

I rode through it,

Picturing how you will realize,

reconcile and recognize me.

I rode through it,

Ignoring the hurt,

while facing my scars in the making.

I rode through it,

Believing someday I will finally arrive,

And you will be around.

But now with time, Is it forgetfulness or reckoning?

The memories of my Journey is starting to fade..

what if I forget all that I needed to tell you?

What if I forget where you reside?

Scatter the ruins of my life in the sea,
For as long as I know, I have stood by the shore.

My tears added to its salinity,
My thoughts have evoked those waves to release.

Those billows know me, they have touched my feet,
They know where to go, They know what I seek.

Scatter the ruins of my life in the sea,
It will sink and I shall be liberated.

Having spent my time being afloat all along,
Crusted, forgotten and glistening with sand.

I long to be anchored, now I long to be found,
By the salt of the ocean, by the depth against the ground.

Scatter the ruins of my life in the sea,
Weight and depth will finally embrace.

It may swell the horizon with misty blue,
As the fervor of my ruins kisses the cold hue.

Oh! How I wish to be weightless,
Like forgiveness rendered, like forgiveness redeemed.

When we hurried to bury the flames of our desires,
A few sparks were left un-doused…
They bloomed into roses,
This frigid city has since been high on raging colors and fragrance.

In this city of feelings, we have all become writers with no one left to read.
I have memorized word by word each story I wrote.
I read it to myself in times when I can’t feel.